My Transformation

You may have noticed that I haven’t been keeping up with this account lately, and it shows because I have lost quite a few followers. I would like to explain myself to all of you. Last year around this time I started this blog thinking it would be a great opportunity for me to loose weight and gain inspiration from people trying to do the same as me. But this environment slowly and sneakily turned toxic and unhealthy. I became obsessed with loosing this weight and it took over my life. It consumed every thought I had an everything I did. It absolutely destroyed my self confidence. I have no self worth or coping skills. I am miserable all the time. I set impossible standards for my self and when I fail to reach them I hate myself. And what’s worse is all the stress has caused me to gain weight. I fluctuate up and down so much that I am destroying my body. I starve for as long as I can and torture my body. Then I binge and destroy my mentality. It is a vicious circle and it is ruining my life. I can’t enjoy anything and I am afraid to live. It has created a cage that I cannot seem to escape. It is unhealthy and it is killing me.

So I have decided to get help. I talked to my Mom and told her everything. About how this has been the worst year of my life and how the depression has crippled me. She told me that if it gets worse that I am going to talk to someone but for now I am reading self help books and learning how to build back up self confidence. I feel better already. One of the things I am working on is every time my low self esteem attacks me I have to say to myself “You are fine, you are doing the best you can.”

This brings me to Tumblr. I do not have enough self esteem and control yet to be in this environment right now. Looking at these thin girls and reading such unhealthy advice is killing me and I need a break. If you unfollow me I understand. I would just like to apologize if a picture on my blog or any of the pro-Ana things I have written has ever hurt any of you beautiful wonderful perfect girls. I do not want to have any part in the destruction of your self esteem. I truly believe it now: do it for YOU and to be HEALTHY. do not do it to please someone else or to look a certain way. It will destroy you the way it has destroyed me.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still want to loose weight but I am going to do it the healthy way. I don’t want to fluctuate anymore. I want to loose it the healthy way so I can keep it off forever.

So for now I’m going to be away working on myself. I might keep you guys updated, I don’t know. But I just wanted to tell you while I’ve been gone. And I wanted to tell any girl with the self awareness to realize this thing we all do is unhealthy, that you can loose weight and be HAPPY. And I need to be happy. I can’t take anymore sadness.

Thank you so much. I love you all!